NagusJim's Journal

Date:	2002-09-12 22:47
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	jealous

So it seems to be a concensus... Everybody agrees that I've gotten very bitter about everything. I'm not sure when that happened exactly, but I don't want it to stay that way. Back to before!! Even my mom mentioned it to me. Not cool. Any ideas on how to fix?

I got a dissertation topic today! After an hour and fifteen minute meeting with my advisor, throughout which I felt very intelligent and respected (YAY), he actually said to go with it, and put something more formal together to present to him. I'm really very excited about that, becuase it means less of the undirected "read everything" stuff I've been doing up to this point. Very cool.

At some point, though I have to work in cleaning around here. My room is all messy. Maybe I'll go ahead and go into school tomorrow and do work. Then on Saturday before the grad bash, I'll do some cleaning.

I TOOK MY BIKE INTO THE SHOP TODAY!!!! That's awesome too! It's supposed to be fixed by 5 tomorrow. That means that next week I can ride my bike to school!!!! YAY And I can ride with Marcia all around, and Robert is buying one too. I feel like a kid again! YAY bike rides. :-D

Well time to watch TV I guess. See you later

Date:	2002-09-08 23:57
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

Hey guys,

I know it's been a super long time since I've posted, but I've been sooooooooo busy.
I know tsk tsk. Please forgive.

I'm almost out of debt!!!! YAY for me!!! one more payment oughtta do it. I'm so happy about that. That is going to improve my life so much. No more credit card payments YAY!. There will of course have to be madly insane partying to celebrate the end of my financial misery.

Once that's all done, I've decided to build a new computer. You know how people like to build hot rod cars and show off all the stuff they've done to the engine? Well, same deal here. The case has a window on the side so you can see into it, and you light it up inside with neon or black lights, then you get fancy parts for the inside, like a silver motherboard :-D... Plus (forgive the geek talk), I'm gonn use water cooling. That's right, no noisy fans inside my case. My computer will have a radiator on the back, and the processor and stuff will be cooled by moving water! Hope it doesn't spring a leak heehee. Wish me luck. Robert's getting into this too. Maybe the whole depatrment will have a computer show HAHHAA

Ah but you don't wanna hear about that stuff do ya? My personal life? Well it sucks. Badly. I guess it's time to give up on Russell. It's now been something like at least a month since I've seen him, and he doesn't seem to want to see me. We were going to go to a birthday party this weekend, and he cancelled for a legit reason. So I was okay with that, and said we could get together some other time soon. I asked him to call me. Of course he never did. Never even gave any response to my message to him. So I don't know what to do. The boy is amazing. He's beautiful, brilliant, independent.. Perfect in every way you can imagine, but, I guess he just doesn't see any of those things in me. That must be it, or he would call. It's kinda amazing, actually, how much power somebody can have over you. Here it's been a month, and I am still sitting here waiting to see him again. Is it self destruction? Is it obsession? Or did I just truly fall for this boy? I don't know, but I'm trying to balance between my unending, irrational desire to see him again, and my intellectual realization that I probably never will.

So on to the second source of my massive depression... Clubs. People always want to go out, and I'm just tired of them. I probably wouldn't mind if I never went again. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE THEM! I wish I could go, but it hurts far too much to go. I'm the one standing there watching everybody else hook up. I'm the one who goes out with a group of four other people, and is the only one not to get hit on. I try not to be bitter about it, but it's hard because they have people coming up to them all the time. All I ever hear about is how everybody went to the Wave, and got somebody's phone number or danced with somebody or shared gazes with somebody or whatever. And I know (because it happens every time) that if I had been there, I would have just stood there, or danced, or whatever, and all of this would have happened around me. I'm tired of going out and pretending to have a good time when everybody else is being pursued. I'm tired of being surrounded by attractive people who could care less that I exist, and I'm tired of my friends getting their attention. I'm tired of going out with people and then coming home to cry myself to sleep because I didn't get so much as a glance. I won't do it anymore, so next time I don't wanna go out and "dance" that's why. It's too painful. It's not fun.

So what can one do to improve that situation? Well, try to look like the people hate, for one. So I've now lost over 20 pounds. I'm 6'1", and weigh about 148. I have gotten rid of all the stuff that people seem to dislike in the body (fat), and it doesn't help. So naturally, I get even more depressed. Are you seeing the viscious cycle here? Now not only am I alone, but I'm alone, apparently unattractive, have an eating disorder, and am slowly but surely becoming an alcoholic. Of course seeing so many problems makes you even more depressed, and so on and so on and so on.

I drink too much. I know that I drink too much. But the fewer and fewer friends I seem to have down here drink, and that's what we do when we're together. We drink. SO I drink until I can't drink anymore, then I pass out, somebody drives me home, and I find some way to get back to my car the next day. I hate that most of all, because now everybody at school makes fun of how much I drink. If I'm at GSU and I don't have a drink in my hand, everybody's like "OH MY GOD, Jim's not drinking" which makes me just want to leave. People at work comment about it, everybody does. But that's what everybody does! they drink. what else are you supposed to do?

Hardly anybody ever calls from school anymore. Not that they ever did. Scott and Howie are the only ones, except for my roommates and a few people from the department. People come into my life, then get just close enough and then disappear. I'm tired of false friendships. But I guess everybody just has their own circles on campus and I'm not needed to enrich their lives. So be it. So I'm counting the people in my life who are my true friends, and there aren't very many. You know who you are though, and I love you all dearly. Some of you are new, and some have been around since forever, but you're all very close and I cherish you becuase I know that tomorrow, you won't disappear and never want to talk to me again. Or that you only want to talk to me once a week. Or whatever.

I'm at work all day long. ALL DAY LONG. And I come home, and run up to my bedroom to see if anybody has sent me a message or called or emailed me. EVERY SINGLE TIME. It's like the thing I look forward to most out of every time I get home> Checking for IMs or email or phone calls. Nothing. Almost every time. Nothing. That's not true for everybody, there are a few people, and again, you know who you are, that that doesn't apply for. Of course, sometimes, (like just now) someone will surprise me and drop a message. Thank you ;-)

I guess I just need to take a step back, examine my life, and the people in it (and not in it). And try to figure out how I got to this nasty place. Worse yet, how to get out.

Good night.

5 comments | post a comment

Date:	2002-08-15 01:14
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy

overreacting as always. Really have to work harder on that :-P

I think Russell and I might be hanging out soon, which is cool cuz I haven't seen him in forever. He's been really stressed, so we haven't had much of a chance to get together.

I have lots of hours at Chilis this weekend. Enough that I should be able to slash the evil credit card in half WHOO HOOOO.

more to come

Date:	2002-08-12 01:14
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	rejected

why?

Date:	2002-08-09 01:42
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy

Had my first shift as a full server tonight. I loved every second of it. Made $113 in tips, and took home $93. Outstanding. :-D Plus, it was lots of fun. So much more so than hosting. It's nice to interact with people. Now if only the kitchen staff were fast ;-)

Birthday's all done... Nothing really big happened today... With Marcia out of town, I imagine we'll do more when everybody gets back.

Almost finished with book two of harry potter now too. I can't wait for the movie. That's gonna be a blast. There are a few greats coming out this fall. That one and of course the tenth star trek film YAY. :-D I can't wait. YAY movies WHOO HOOO heehee.

Oh btw.. took the test aain, and I think I passed ;-) 'bout time. That thing was freaking hard. In all honesty though, it really does help you on the floor if you know the stuff on the test, cuz the customers really do ask you about everything.

anyways I suppose that's enough rambling for now. More to come, and more often now that training is over ;-)

::lovenkisses::

Date:	2002-08-08 00:41
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper

Had my final training day at chilis today. I made $105 in tips (for my trainer cry cry). So anyways, I did the shift by myself mostly, so it should be fine for me to be alone now. We'll find out. I'm working for Chandal tomorrow night. Still have to take the test again. JC wouldn't let me do it tonight cuz I was on overtime. Oh well, that's fine. Even though I spent six hours with Robert studying today. Now I have to review. YUCK.

Hope all of my friends are doing well, and ... oh yeah..

Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to MEEEEEE
Happy birthday to me :-D

I'm 24 now WHOO HOO

Date:	2002-08-07 00:35
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	embarrassed

well I've had better days.

I failed the menu test at chilis. Very few times have I been as embarassed. I guess I have to do it again tomorrow now. Great. I'm just not that great at memorizing stuff like that. I'm a scientist!!! I solve problems, not memorize things! ugh.

Other than that things are going fairly well at work. I have my solo shift as a server tomorrow night. And someone has already asked me to pick up a shift for them. I dunno if I will or not; it's on my birthday. Depends on whether or not anyone wants to do anything (hint hint)....

I'm thinking of doing something nice with russell soon, like out to dinner someplace fancy. That could be fun. We've gone out to eat of course, but not to anyplace really nice. I mean like dress-up and stuff. I love that... I wonder if he does??? Time to find out :-D We went to see another movie the other day... Signs. Not bad. stressful to watch. lots of startle in it. Things that make you jump into the seat behind you HAHAA. It was fun. He also took me to this brunch place in portsmouth that has omlettes with salmon! YUM! It's actually really really good. We've hung out lots, and I think we're building something cool here, but I want to really seriously ask him out on a date. I think that that might say something about what I'm thinking and feeling much more than words do when I'm around him. It's wierd, but I really get nervous sometimes when I'm with him. That's a good thing, definitely. It's just a new thing too.. Usually that goes away after a date or two, but now, I'm still there. Dunno why exactly, but it's cool. I dunno even how to describe it really. Mostly like a feeling of innocence? Does that make sense? Whatever it is, I love it :-)

I'm pretty tired now so I'm gonna head to bed. I just wanted to post since it's been a few days, and ramble on some ;-)

More to come as always. ::hugs to all my buddies::

Date:	2002-07-31 15:01
Subject:	finally
Security:	Public
Mood:	ecstatic

OK OK I'll post an update :-D People have been begging for a new entry for a long time so here goes....

The past couple of weeks have been awesome, so I've been in a pretty great mood for awhile now. Things are finally looking up at Chilis. I actually start server training (can you believe it?) tomorrow morning. That makes me scheduled for seven consecutive days, which will be great for the old debt-squashing thing I have going on right now :-D I have a great big folder full of stuff that I have to memroize. There's a little book that has pictures of everything on the menu, the ingredients, and stuff like that. Kinda intimidating at first; there really is a lot of stuff in there. But it's spread out over five days of tests so it shouldn't be too bad. I'll let you know how it goes. The first one is tomorrow morning at 10:30, and is over all the abbreviations that they use. Not too bad I think..... We'll see

FInally got rid of the apartment!!!! All that's left now is to pay the last electric and phone bills. Gonna have to hunt Ruth down for her half ;-) Turned in the keys yesterday though. YAY I'm so happy now that's all behind me :-D :-D Now I just have to finish unpacking the endless piles of boxes and stuff laying in the dining room. Not a small task. But worth it ;-)

Scott's up in wmsbg visiting for a few days. He's starting as an 8th grade social studies teacher in Newport News this fall, so he cam up to look for an apartment here. We found one that's REALLY nice, and pretty reasonable on rent. I think he's gonna go ahead and take that one. It's pretty cool. Much nicer than the two apartments I had. I'm jealous HAHA

I met someone new awhile ago too :-) His name is Russell, and he lives down in Portsmouth. So far we've had loads of fun hanging out. He's a big movie buff like me so we tend to watch a lot of movies. When we first met, we watched K19, then sat in the parking lot for two hours talking about cars and music. I had a blast. I'm gonna have him up for dinner at my place so he can see it and meet my roomies. Hopefully we'll ba able to do that soon, I'm excited about it :-D Anyways, he's a real cutie and is loads of fun to be around, so I think things are going really well :-D Well, except for the whole brussell sprouts thing. See, Russell doesn't like brussell sprouts. I'm thinking this has the potential to cause serious problems, so I dunno... The thought has occurred to me that perhaps when he comes up for dinner, I can serve all brussell sprouts. Maybe if he eats enough of them, he'll start to like them? What do you think? It could work. >=) Anyways, he a great guy. I like him :-)

Marcia and Amy and Zoe (from Ireland) went to the beach Sunday. It was such a great day. 115 degrees and almost no clouds. perfect for swimming in the ocean. Yeah. Enter Mister Sunburn. Ouch. It's getting better now. Admittedly I'm a big crybaby when it comes to sunburns. Oh well. Deal with it. It'll only be a few more days... it's almost gone. But it was all like dark purple nastyness all over my chest. gross. And before you go off on me, yes I know about sunblock, yes I was wearing spf 48, and yes I know you should reapply, and no I didn't. Shut up. I have enough punishment with the sunburn, I don't need you hollaring at me too. :-P Anyways, I suppose it was worth it, we had a really great time. Zoe's all gone now though. ::poof:: back to Ireland. We'll miss you girl :-)

Ok since I'm technically at work, I should stop now and do something that I'm being paid for. So I'm off. Feel free to post all you want (but don't harass me for the sunburn) ;-)

Later :-P

Date:	2002-07-20 23:35
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired

sorry it's been so long. I would say that I've been too busy, but that would be a horrible lie. Marcia and Amy are at the beach house this weekend so I'm here all by myself. ew. boring. But Chilis was the busiest it's been since I started. We were on a wait of over an hour for a long time. I've decided that servers are evil and should be eliminated. They seem to think it's my job to make their lives easy. And the also think they can tell me what to do. Got news for them. I don't think so.

My server training for tuesday and wednesday was cancelled. Go figure. They can't train in the last week of a period. They always seem to forget that. Anyways I should still have training finished soon. thusday through the following friday. at least that's what they say. this time ;-)

Been spending more time with my buddies Howie and Matt recently. That's cool. It's been awhile since I've been able to hand out with them. Also made (with Robert's help) fabulous stuffed peppers for dinner today. with a black bean salsa. Yum. I love being back where I can cook again. saving money and eating healthier. perfect.

Ok I'm rambling. that's enough. byebye

Date:	2002-07-14 10:30
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	rejuvenated

Yesterday might very well have been the best day of my life :-D

First of all, it was Gay Day at Kings Dominion. Never have I had such a great time at an amusement park. We got there early enough to have short lines at s few of the more popular coasters, then rode the less busy ones for the rest of the day. It was an absolute blast. There thousands of gays there. It was nice not to have to wonder about people for a change ;-) Same sex couple holding hands through the park, cuddling, even kissing. It rocked. Rainbow jewelry everywhere. Even the gay employees of KD were decked out in rainbows :-D The park also played super-gay dance music all day for us, which was really awesome! people were dancing in line and stuff. Point of note for families who got all freaked out about the gay people all around. Duh. check gayday.com before you take your kids to an amusement park, or better yet, instead of avoiding them, how about showing your kids that it's okay?!? Hmmm what a thought. The cool thing is that we outnumbered the people who might have had a big problem with anything, so they just kept their homophobic little mouths shut ;-)

KD has some awesome rides, too. The only ride that we were in line for a long time for was Hypersonic XLC. About 2 hours in line for a 10 second ride ;-) but it was SO WORTH it!!!!!! wow what a ride. There were some firsts for me at the park too. Scott and Howie and I did the 150 ft high ripcord freefall bungee jump thing. OMG!!!!! I've never felt such an incredible rush in my entire life. When you're freefalling before the cord tightens and you start to swing... That's just an unmatched feeling. Never felt anything like it. No rollercoaster can simulate that. I am sooooo hooked on bungee jumping now :-D wow. Thanks to Howie and Scott for making me go. Howie screamed "WE ARE SOOOOOOOO GAY!" as we swung across the bottom of the arch. People laughed.

One of the things that I remember about the rides was on the swings, you know the "Yo-Yo" as I've seen them called at other parks. There's a seat belt that goes from a bar on top between your legs and connects to the seat below you. So to check the restraints, the ride operator has to reach between you legs a little. Oh, too tempting for gay bois not to have fun with right? So there's a hottie ride operator walking around checking restraints, and one of the bois behind me screamed at him "CHECK MINE!!!! CHECK MINE!!!!!!!!" HAHAHAAA.. The hottie got a kick out of that and walked away with a big old grin on his face. It was cute ;-)

One of the cool things is that everybody in the park was kinda harmlessly flirting with everyone else. Cool when you know that they're all gay. No harm in winking as you walk by heehehe. Plus, we al just let everything go. In our group, it was me, scott, howie, dan, dan, justin, and andrew. We also ran into Ben and JJ over the course of the day. But we just completely let it out. and I really mean "OUT" HAHA We had a whole day of out, in your face loud gay homosexual FUN at the park, and even most of the straights at the park eventually lightened up and laughed at our fun times :-D There's only so many times you can stop yourself from laughing at a group of seven gay bois simultaneously shouting HEYYYYYYYY! in a big stereotypical gay voice to any hottie that walks by ;-)

After we rode everyting that we wanted to, we left and went to Richmond with dan for dinner at a cure little diner, and yes, there were even more gay bois there too ;-) YAY Food was fabulous and the company was even better. We were alll literally crying at each other we were laughing so hard. The conversation somehow turned to genentics and mice with ears grafted on their backs, and just went downhill from there. Eventually it turned to mice with penises grafted on their backs that would get top-heavy, then pass out. You get the idea HAHAHAA. Hours of fun. After dinner, dan wen back to dc, and howie scott and I went to Norfolk and went dancing at the wave. Met Scott's new boi (well done, scott, I approve 100%) and howie got digits from a totally cute boy. I was dancing with a couple on the floor too, It was packed! And I really don't think the ac was on, cuz it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hot in there. Hmmmm maybe it was just the company ;-) But there were a few hundred of us on the dance floor. So packed in you couldn't help but dance "with" people HAHAHA OMG it was sooo fun. Finally at about 1AM we went home exhausted. Howie and just talked in the car on the way home. What a great time. There are very few times in your life that you can go to bed saying "that was the best day of my life", and the older you get, the less often it happens. For me, yesterday was definitely one of those times.

3 comments | post a comment

Date:	2002-07-09 00:59
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	determined

Tomorrow is the big day. CS IRON CHEF 2002!!! I'm excited.. it's gonna be a blast. There are lots of people coming for it so that will be awesome. I'm SOOOOOOO tired right now though. I wanted to drop a quick line before bed cuz people have been asking for more entries. The network is almost up at the new house, so I should be on much more very soon. Gimme a few more days... And wish me luck on the competition tomorrow!!! I'll post about how it goes don't worry ;-)

Date:	2002-06-28 02:50
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy

I so totally have a server training packet for chilis now. Oh, and I'm also scheduled friday, saturday, sunday, tuesday and wednesday :-D

Date:	2002-06-27 00:47
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	relaxed

Today was great at Chilis. They called this morning and asked if I'd be willing to work a double, since their lunch host called in sick. So I went in and worked ten hours (not really a double by most standards I think ;-)) But it was still a very active day. Lots of exercise, and I got to know some of the servers better. All in all it was a fun day. Amy's cold medicine stopped me from sneezing all over guests all day ;-)

Also, the best news in the whole world: I am picking up my server training packet tomorrow afternoon! I never even had to say anything to them about it. They approached me and said they wanted to start that!!!! YAY!!! I really like them now. Actually, it's a really great place to work in general. The people are nice and the management is just great. I've never seen a group of people so very talented at "coaching" instead of "bossing". I'm very happy there. ;-)

Tomorrow we're taking a new student out to lunch so that will be fun. PIZZA! YAY. I also tried fresh Apricots for the first time last night. Until then, I'd only had them dried. It was good, but it tastes different ;-) Nice to have a change from apples and bananas though :-) We have to buy a watermelon for moving day so we can spike it. Coincidentally, watermelons are on sale at food lion. sweet. :-)

Date:	2002-06-25 00:36
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	exhausted

OK so I guess I ate to late last night night or something, I dunno. but I couldn't sleep. At all. So finally at 4:30 am I gave up and got up, took a shower and went to school. Got a decent amount of research in before lunch, after which I had to go in to chilis. The schedule wouldn't have been bad at all if I'd had a full-night's sleep, but on zero hours... Let's just say it's been a very long day, and I'm sleepy now.

Good night.

Date:	2002-06-21 23:43
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished

The Bayou Bougaloo was awesome!!!

Things I ate for the first time ever tonight:
1) Jambalaya
2) Alligator Tail
3) Chicken Creole
4) Other thing that I don't what it was called HAHAA

YUM
The best was the chicken creole. VERY GOOD!!! As for the alligator, yes it does actually taste like chicken, but to be very specific, it tastes absolutely identical to chicken gizzards, with just the slightest little hint of seafood flavor. Not bad, but I woulrn't eat it every night ;-)

Better than Ezra was awesome. I might go see them again. they do a pretty fun show!
AND THERE WAS TOTALLY A LESBIAN COUPLE THERE! YAY!!! Just cuddling like all the straight folks. Made me very happy :-D

Let's see... what else. I guess I haven't talked about chilis yet either. I LOVE IT!!! That job is so much fun. It's really great that I finally started. The pay for hosting isn't that wonderful but I'll serve soon and that's much better. Besides, this gives me a chance to get comfortable with things first, and is challenging in it's own right. So it's very fun, fast-paced, and customer-oriented, which is exactly what I needed for the summer :-D So that's working out very well. I have my second day tomorrow. I'm supposed to go in at 6:30 and work until close I think. So that will be cool. Then I'm gonna try to talk him into putting me on the schedule as much as possible until I'm off vacation from techie. YAY moola.

DAYS UNTIL THE HOUSE: 10

Date:	2002-06-18 22:19
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored

Ok things are better now. Still broke, but life is improving. I've been fairly stingy with money, and might actually be able to pull off this whole rent thing next month. Socially, life is great. We sucked Jay into our web of misbehavior. HAHAA Welcome aboard, buddy.

Yesterday was mazang's whole milk madness 2002. You know, the whole gallon of milk in an hour without puking nonsense. We didnt' make it. BUT IT WAS SUPER FUN! Then after that (3/4 of a gallon later), we all got a craving for beer, oddly enough, so we went to the pool hall and drank beer and played pool. All except for Robert who ummmm let's see. how should we say this? ... Wasn't feeling so well? heehehe ;-)

GREAT NEWS FROM COX TODAY TOO!!!
Found out that we get all the special deals when we setup service at the house, even though I'm an existing customer. That means we get a free grill, 6 pints of B&J ice cream, only $10 in installation fees, and free premium channels for awhile!!! AND TO TOP IT OFF, they fixed the problems I've been having with my internet access from here! so hopefully that will improve now. We'll see.

I work tomorrow, then I'm on vacation from techieland for two weeks. The plan was to work full time at chilis during that, but that will only happen if they ever actually schedule me for training. hehee My paitence grows thin. I've actually considered getting another job too. myabe nights at food lion or something. just a few ore hours a week. I'm really hardcore about this money business. I want a few thousand in the bank when school starts this fall. So we'll see what chilis says tomorrow.

Also, we're thinking of going to norfolk friday for a better than ezra concert that's part of some bayou festival. There will be lots of great cajon/bayou food along with demonstrations on how to make it!!! YAY!!!! Maybe I'll learn to make gumbo!!!

Ok nuff for now. More to come later of course. ::MUAH::

Date:	2002-06-15 11:12
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	infuriated

OK so yesterday really sucked. What a bad day. Found out that Sharon won't be moving in for July after all, which means that Ruth and I have to split the rent 50/50, even though we wont be here. That's $300, plus another $400 for the new place. :-(

That was part of the bad day. I can't even describe everything that went wrong, it was just a bad day. I'm better now though. Jake is in town for the weekend, so I'm going to Pauls tonight to hang out with him, his boyfriend and his brother. It should be fun, not that I can afford to go out at all of course.

I'm waiting for my tax refunds to arrive now. They're finally in the mail. I want to put the whole thing on my credit card. That will slash it by about a fourth, which should be realy heplful. If I don't get that thing paid off this summer, I'm gonna burst into tears. I added everything up yesterday (because I needed even more of a reason to be depressed) and it turns out that I'm over $40,000 in debt. So naturally, I just spent the rest of the day trying to not cry.

I'm really tired of fighting with money. I shouldn't have bought the car. I just can't afford it. Of course there's nothing I can do about that now. I can't sell it; I owe more than it's worth. It's just so frustrating. And I can't go out with my friends because I literally have ZERO money to spend.

Lots of this comes from the fact that I have to eat out all the time now, because I can't cook in my own house because of those stupid evil nasty DOGS that my roommate bought. I HATE THEM WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING. The entire apartment smells like dog, and if you're extra lucky, you'll catch it on a day when it smells like dog urine. What a special treat that is three days a week. I refuse to be the only one cleanging, since they'll let the dogs do whatever they want. I found dog footprints in the bathtub, for crying out loud. So anyways, I can't cook in the house, because there's no way I could possibly eat anything made in this filth.

So I spend every cent I have eating out. I've really tried to cut corners, by buying stuff for lunch at the office (like stuff to make lunch -- I store it in the refrigerator at work) but that hasn't seemed to help. It just never seems to end. I couldn't possibly be working any harder to make this go away, but things always happen that destroy my efforts.

It makes for some bad situations too, cuz when friends find out that you can't afford to do what they want to do, they offer to pay, which is nice of them, of course, but only makes the situation worse for me, because it makes me feel like I'm living off of them. I just can't go. So I dunno how these last few weeks at this apartment are going to work out, but it's not going to be very fun. I can't afford to go play, so I ahve to stay home, but I hate the dogs with all my heart and soul, so when I'm home, I have to stay locked up in my room. I can't even watch my own TV and play my own video games, because in order to do that I have to be around the dogs. So I literally just sit in my room all day long with the door closed until it's time to go to sleep, then in the morning I get up and go into school (yes even on weekends... it's better than staying home) then do it all over again that night.

So why have I been so frustrated? Because I work so hard trying to make things better, and get slapped in the face with something to make it all bad again. And yeah, I'm a little bit frustrated that I'm the only one having so much of a struggle. But I suppose I deserve it. I didn't fight tooth and nail to stop her from moving in with the dogs, even though I had every right too. I guess it's just another example of me letting people walk all over me. And I bought a new car to contribute to my finacial disasters, but then if I didn't I would never be able to go home, or to go visit my friend Jenni in boston or my buddies at Denison. So fine, I guess I just have to deal.